I don’t have much dating experience, and what I do have has been, well, interesting. I didn’t go on my first date until I was 20. Originally, I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16 or 17, but were there any suitors lining up to take me out? No. Not at all. My mom made up these rules based on the purity culture bullshit we had been exposed to. She was also trying to shield me, and protect me, from the things she went through. She used to say because of her history, and my dad’s history, she wanted to make sure that I wasn’t going to repeat that because it would be my tendency. Generational type of curse/Satan trying to lead me down that same path/learned behavior stuff. I was a-okay with all of that. Also, she had to meet, and approve, the guys that I would be going on dates with first. Like they couldn’t take me out on the actual date until she met them, and approved. (I said it twice so let that sink in). Again, purity culture.
Remember the days of the “Hot or Not” dating type apps on Facebook and MySpace? The original click "yes or no" before Tinder and all of them’s swiping right or left? Yeah. Ah, a moment of Nostalgia. *Le sigh* Antyway, so I matched with this dude, let’s call him Brad. He was a ginger, had long hair (like a rocker), was tall-ish, built like a non-quarterback football player, was older than me (maybe 26 at the time?), and was interested. I was like, “Hell yeah, man!” We talked for a few weeks, and then finally set up a date. He lived about an hour north, and was actually going to come down to Topeka, pick me up, and take me on my first date ever! I was so fucking excited!
I didn’t tell my mom that I was doing this thing because I knew there was a good chance that she would say no, and make me end things with him. One of the other stipulations when dating me was that the dude HAD to be a Christian. There was no getting around that, and he loosely defined himself as one at the time. Not actively going to church though. Which I knew would be a problem. He had told me he had been ordained online so he could officiate a wedding for his friends. That was enough for me, but I KNEW it wouldn’t be enough for my mom. She would see it as being unequally yoked. Again, not letting this relationship happen.
However, I knew that I needed to tell her eventually. So. Let me tell you this: I didn’t tell her until the day of, an hour before he was supposed to show up. She freaked the fuck out. She did not give me permission to do this, and she made me call him and tell him not to come. He was already on the way, but thankfully hadn’t gotten too far down the highway. I was so embarrassed, and pretty devastated. I was sure Brad was never going to speak to me again because my mom was way too overprotective. I was 20!
I asked my mom if I could please go on a date with him, she agreed (she still had to meet him and all), and he agreed to the terms. I was shocked, honestly. He agreed to that?! I thought he must be something else. I was enamored. Like surely, if he was willing to jump through these hoops, he MUST be the one right?! We set the date up for the following weekend.
The day came. I was so nervous and excited! My first date, yo! It was a milestone that would finally be reached. I was joining the ranks of my peers. Or something. Like I might have finally met my first boyfriend. At 20. He drove his Mitsubishi Eclipse down at my request because of the Fast and the Furious franchise, I thought he had a bomb-ass car, and I wanted to ride in that bomb-ass light blue Eclipse. We would look fly as fuck. (Oh, 20 year old Deandra)
He finally arrived, came up knocked on the door, and was met by my brother and his plastic rifle like gun. Yes. You read that right. My brother was sizing him up, and asking him all kinds of questions. My brother was 9. I got Brad in the door to so he could meet my mom. My mom was not really that impressed. She asked his intentions, and told him she was going with us to dinner. Y’all. Y’all. Is this not over the top?! I was 20. 20 years old!
She did let me ride with him to the pizza place. Bless her. So generous. We got there, got seated, and ordered drinks and appetizers. She and my brother grilled this poor dude, but Brad was quite the trooper though. I distinctly remember her asking him about his being a “pastor.” He told her about the online ordination. Y’all my mom was picking this poor dude apart! She challenged him on it, and then let the subject drop after getting the information that she needed. I could tell that she didn’t really approve. I was afraid she wasn’t going to let me go on the second part of the date with him. However, to my surprise, she decided to let us go get ice cream and see a movie by ourselves. Without her and my brother. How generous, eh? I still can’t believe he didn’t make an exit earlier. We finished the dinner, got the check, and my mom swiped it up. See, Brad was going to pay for me. But my mom insisted on picking up the tab for everyone. He was embarrassed.
Brad and I got out of there as quickly as possible, and went on to cruise around and get ice cream at the now closed Maggie Moos (I loved their peanut butter ice cream). We had some good conversation, and the appropriate amount of flirting happened. I think Brad and I were there for nearly an hour just getting to know each other. He may have mentioned something about my mom, and I may have apologized. I can’t really remember now.
Side note: I’m totally lactose intolerant. I had pizza AND ice cream that night. I’m not sure how I made it through that date without problems.
OH! I totally forgot to mention that I had a curfew. I think it might have been maybe 1 am?
The movie was alright. Get Smart. It wasn’t really my thing, but I was on my date with Brad so I pretended to like it more than I did.
We left the movie, cruised around for a bit, and talked some more (I still thought his car was pretty cool, btw. I wanted him to go fast!). It was getting closer and closer to my curfew so we started to head back. On the way back, and I distinctly remember this, he played “The Humpty Dance” by Digital Underground. I was like, um, obviously my mom had made it clear that nothing beyond hugging was supposed to happen. I was too afraid to do anything anyway so this made me a bit uncomfortable because there was no way to sneak a boy in my home. None. The only other option would be to park somewhere. I was not okay with that either.
Brad pulled into the driveway, walked me up to the door, and gave me a hug goodbye.
I walked in the door fully expecting my mom to still be up and waiting (again, y’all, I was a fucking adult). She wasn’t. She was sound asleep. My grandma was still awake, asked me how everything was, and I sat down to talk to her about it for a while.
I am incredibly surprised Brad didn’t just hightail it back up north when he met my mom, and heard all of her terms and rules. Like how?
However, that was the first and last time I saw him. See, he had apparently been talking to a woman from Canada, closer in age, and without an overprotective, purity culture mom. The lady came down from Canada to live with him after only talking for MAYBE a month or so. They got pregnant, and just before she had the baby, she moved back up to Canada. To this day I don’t know if Brad has really ever spent time with his son. I know the relationship didn’t end well for them which is why she left in the first place.
A few years later, while sitting at my mom’s dining room table doing homework, Brad messaged me. It was completely out of the blue. I had since moved on, and was totally in luuuuuuurve with someone else. We exchanged “how you doin’s” and some small talk. Then came the thing I will never ever forget: Brad said something like, "At least he still would have been able to see the baby if he and I would’ve had one." That was the end. I told him that would have never happened in the first place. Unfriended him. Moved on.
I guess what I’m trying to get at here is this: this is where I’m coming from as I am stepping out into the dating world. Purity culture is a bitch. My mom was too overprotective. We believed all of this bullshit, and it has really done some damage (not irreparable. Counseling is helping) to the way I approach romantic relationships. I’m outchea navigating this romantic relationship world like a fucking teenager. But with a fully developed brain. I mean if you think about it, this is what leaving evangelical Christianity does: you are thrown into a whole new world that you’ve only heard bad, evil things about. Being an exvie means discovering things for the first time. Really living for the first time. Seeing the world for the first time. Experiencing things your peers experienced a long time ago. Though I also think this gives us some sort of appreciation for new experiences that others might take for granted.
So, yeah, this really happened.
Mom, I love you. This is more about how purity culture influenced your thinking and mine. How toxic it was to both of us, really. I mean this was over the top though.
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