On Ghosting

One of the hardest things about throwing yourself out into the dating world is knowing you will be ghosted on. It’s not a matter of if, but when. It hurts like hell, yo.
The definition of ghosting: “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly, and without explanation, withdrawing from all communication.”
I have been ghosted on several times. These were conversations with people that I had connected with, been messaging for a little bit, and had, most of the time, moved from the dating app to texting. I had invested some emotions and time into the beginning of what I thought was a potential relationship. I was genuinely interested in their lives, them, and getting to know them.
The first one, we’ll call him Carl (because I can’t actually remember his name, y’all). After matching, and rereading his bio, I decided to go ahead and start communicating with him. I thought we had a lot in common, and this could potentially be a decent relationship. I was more than willing to explore that. After all, that is the whole point of this dating adventure. So we messaged, things were going great, and then moved over to texting. He was an avid reader, was engaged in some politics, and seemed like an all around nice guy. We talked about meeting up. We talked about the results of the Alabama election. One night, after discussing some books, he asked if I had anymore pictures. I was a bit wary then because this almost always meant that things were going to start to get sexual. I didn’t want to go there yet, and I thought it was too soon to start steering the conversation in that direction. I wanted to connect more intellectually and emotionally first. I wrote back, basically asking him what he was looking for because his request almost always meant that this was going to get sexual, and that I was not looking to go there yet. I never got a response, and never heard from him again. Since we were still matched on the app, I saw that he had updated his profile a few times after he ended communication. I unmatched us and moved on.
That left me questioning what I had done wrong. The answer though? Nothing. I did nothing wrong. It was fair of me to ask him what he was looking for in a relationship so that we knew whether or not we were on the same page, and were going to move forward. Thankfully, I hadn’t invested too much time and emotion into this one. The next one, however, is another story.
A couple-few months later I matched with this other dude; we’ll call him Jameson. We really, really hit it off. We were messaging back and forth quite a bit. I was really into him, and it seemed like he was really into me. He seemed sweet, was thoughtful, and caring. We talked about anything and everything. He was looking for an actual relationship. I thought we were on the same page. We talked for a couple of weeks, I think anyway. It was a little while. Long enough that I asked if he minded that I was fat and black. I just wanted to be honest with him about who I was, and him to know what he was getting into. No surprises. (Also, he had mentioned that his family were rednecks. I’ve had enough experience to know that not all the families like his are okay with “mixing”. Like trust me on this. I know. I’ve had friends tell me that their parents would kill them if they were ever to be in a relationship with a black person. They would prefer same race, but being “yoked” with a black person was the worst sin. Something that would get you cut off from the family...trust me. I know.)
Antyway, he asked me if I cared if he was in a wheelchair. I did a schpiel that amounted to no, I didn’t care. We moved forward, and eventually started getting closer and closer to sexting. I was a little resistant because I just haven’t wanted to get to that place that quickly, but, again, I felt like we had a really great connection (p.s. if you don’t think you can connect with someone on the net or over texting, I will fight you. Come at me). I had been teasing him a little bit though because, guess what, Deandra M. Carter is a fucking tease and a flirt. She’s fun and  mischievous to the core. Unexpectedly so sometimes. So I was thinking I had punished this dude enough, and I genuinely wanted to sext with him. We did, it was great, and we said goodnight. The next day? Nothing. Then next couple of days? Nothing. I tried to just say, “Hey, Jameson, how’s it going?” I waited a week, sent another how you doing message, and still didn’t get a response. I waited a little longer, and finally said, “Jameson, I don’t know what’s going on. Have you ghosted on me? Really?” Did I get a gahtdamb response then? Nope! So that happened.
There have been a few more conversations with guys that have moved over to texting, and then they just dropped off. I’ve tried to make plans with a couple more guys, but they just haven’t been too keen on doing the things I’ve suggested. Nor have they countered with a different activity. I wasn’t as invested in those.
Although, there is this guy that I keep matching with. To the point where I’m like, “Heeeeey, (enter name). It’s about time we just met up dontcha think?” He agrees, and then never makes plans. It’s kind of comical. It's annoying AF too. Like, make up your gahtdamb mind. He is now what would be called an “orbiter” on my Facebook. I have another orbiter over on the Gram.
The most recent one? Liiiiiiitle more painful. So I’ve written previously about having sex with a guy this last weekend right? Well, I thought we hit it off (I mean I did have sex with him). I was genuinely interested in him, and I thought this might seem like a promising relationship. He told me to text him when I got home to let him know I made it. I did just that, and said, “I hope you don’t think less of me because I went back on my no sex on the first meetup rule. I knew it was over when you started touching my leg.” I didn’t get a response. I think I shot him a message yesterday? Nothing. Then today I finally said that ghosting pisses me off to no end, and to have the decency and respect to tell me this isn’t going to work out. I can handle that! But I do not handle ghosting well. So far? NADA.
Do I regret getting it on with him? Not at all. I can’t. It was a great experience, and I’m glad I had that experience and momentary connection. Finally. However, I am pissed that he chose to do this ghosting bullshit. It’s unfortunate. But I know that it’s not on me. This is on him. He chose to do that, and for his own reasons. I refuse to pick it up, and wonder if I did something wrong. I refuse to go back, and pick apart every single thing I said or move I made (or didn’t make). I refuse to question my self-worth over this, and I’m moving on.

Now it’s time for my ghosting story. See, I ghosted on someone. I realized that it wasn’t going to go anywhere; he was allergic to cats, and a couple of other things let me know we just weren’t going to be compatible. I realized this, and instead of being honest, I chose to ghost. However, not long after that, Jameson ghosted on me. I realized just how shitty it is to do that to someone, and I went back and apologized to this dude. No excuses. I did it, and I was sorry. He didn’t deserve that at all.
None of us do. It’s just disrespectful and rude. It’s selfish. Sure, it’s easy on the person doing the ghosting, but not the person being ghosted on. It kind of messes us up a bit, and if the relationship is serious enough, it is traumatizing. For me it makes me incredibly anxious to know that this is a possibility. It does make me feel a bit insecure, which triggers my insecure attachment style. I feel like I need reassurance that this is not going to happen (which I actually don’t think is a bad thing as Jes Baker says in her book “Landwhale” about partner validation, “I used to feel guilty about needing partner validation, until I realized that I’ve always allowed my friends and family to assist in countering my bullshit beliefs...” this made sense to me). I realize that this can go too far, and get into unhealthy territory. But I also think a check-in here and there to see how everything is going, and what the partner is thinking and feeling is a really, really good idea.
I came across a tweet earlier that sums this ghosting thing up pretty well, @ryrapp22 said, “When did ghosting someone become normal and acceptable? Cause it’s pretty messed up leaving someone who cares about you out to dry, without explanation.”
Thank you, Ryan. This is so true.



P.S. A little humor here: I am a notorious Irish Goodbye-er. I will clarify that this is not ghosting. I just don’t always say goodbye to people when I leave events. Usually family events. I’m going to see them again, and I’m probably going to interact with a lot of them on facebook. I have a big-ass family, and they know I love them and they love me. I saw them, and now I’m leaving. They are my family or friends. Again, this is not the ghosting I am talking about. I don’t even think it fits the definition, really. I will not stop doing Irish Goodbyes.



But.
I will never ghost another person again.
I will also call that bullshit out from now on.