Happy Fucking Tuesday

After basically doing a DTR, because let's face it, y'all, that's what my post yesterday was. Basically. But this morning I realized, as I explained to the guy who slept in my bed, it was basically me saying goodbye to my expectations vs the reality of the friendship. So there's that.

Sleeping and time do wonders for clarity. I process things in a different way, and I write things on the fly and in the moment. That letter was probably the most raw and vulnerable thing I've ever written, where I actually invited the recipient, and the world, to read it. It is what is is, and I'm not sorry. It's out there, he's seen it, and I can't take it back. I don't want to either.
As my second life motto goes, "Well, I thought it was a good idea at the time!" *laughing*

This morning, after reading through some of my other posts, I realized I  was doing so well at the beginning of this month, and I'm in the middle of a spiral that makes me feel out of control and anxious AF--which doesn't help with the out of control feeling. There are lots of reasons: the shit happening in the US, the children, my mom and her job, living, and mental health issues, my mom's really good friend died by suicide this last week, ghosting, money, work, my eating habits, a shame spiral from feeling so out of control, probably swinging back and forth between being hypomania and a depressive episode (rapid cycling anybody? I've got that), trying to come to terms with all of this shit, and being triggered by some of my blog posts.
I'm still here though, and I'm still moving forward. It's hard AF, and I know I'm self-sabotaging somewhat.
My impulse this week? Taking off to Chicago this weekend. To go to the motherfucking aquarium. I need an escape...or so I think. I don't want to sit with this out of control feeling, and my anxiety. I feel like to soothe it I need to escape.
I did this last weekend. I went out to my cousin's ranch. It was like a fucking vacation, and I felt so at peace. Until Sunday when I knew I had to go back to reality, and my mom started getting into her own downward spiral. It happens every Sunday with her, and it messes with both me and my brother because we don't know what to do. She leans on me heavily when she's like that. I have no idea how to help her. I just don't, and it's frustrating and scary to see her life upended once again. Mental illness is a fucking bitch, yo.
So I've written about a lot of my traumas.
I've done a DTR.
Dude is a mother fucking trooper. Like how, skunk boy? How?
But tonight, on T-Mobile's dime, I am going to see Kesha and Macklemore in concert. I just want 3PM to get here so I can get the fuck out of Topeka, and feel the energy that is a crowd of people at a concert. It's fucking magical, and it's just what I need. Kesha's music has been like my life's soundtrack since last fall when I finally listened through the whole thing. Holy shit, y'all. I cannot recommend the Rainbow album enough. It's raw, vulnerable, inspirational, and just amazing.

Antway, I have to laugh because I've like thrown a lot of my traumas out there. Like, hey, see how wrecked I am? I'm not broken. Just wrecked. It's a trauma fest! I am feeling really raw and exposed right now.
I'm not running away to Chi-town this weekend though. That's pretty extreme. I'll settle for somewhere closer I guess. It IS time for my bi-weekly trek to TJ's. I don't need a whole lot, but enough to maybe justify a trip. Who knows? Maybe I'll take off to Tulsa to see my most beloved shark species, the bull shark. Also, I can touch sharks and rays there.
I will see. I should be saving this money for a car.
I hope my family doesn't read this blog very much. I don't know why I care because I'm letting friends and strangers read this.

Deandra moments of the week/weekend so far? Everything. Specifically, not picking up on an innuendo from one of the guys I started communicating with this weekend. #adventuresindating It was a duh moment. I laughed at myself because that's really all I can do.
Forgetting how to fully unlock one of the metro bikes on Saturday, and completely locking that stupid thing up, to the point that it stopped working. I had to call the metro bike manager to come take care of it. I forgot that the U-Bar went into a holder, and not the actual lock mechanism. 
Most peaceful moment of the week so far? Riding a bike to work this morning. It makes me feel a bit free, and a bit like a kid. It brings me joy.
Productive thing this week: cleaning out the my assholes' cages (the guinea pigs).
Looking forward to: The overwhelming positive, radiant, and amazing energy that is so unique to a concert like what Kesha and Macklemore are putting on. It has been FOREVER since I've been to a live music event.
Realization: I am a mother fucking writer. I have legitimate writer qualities. I always have, and I need to keep developing the skill and talent. Because I'm going to write a gahtdamb memoir someday. It will be in essay format. Thank you to the following authors: Samantha Irby, Jes Baker, Jenny Lawson, Chelsea Handler, W. Kamau Bell, Tiffany Haddish, Whitney Cummings, and Trevor Noah. It's not a complete list, but that's who I can think of at the moment. I'm kind of obsessed with Samantha Irby right now, and I've listened to both "Meaty" and "We Are Never Meeting in Real Life" twice now. "Bitches gotta eat" yo.
Working on: getting out of this fucking shame spiral, and coming down from nearly a level 10 on my anxiety scale.
Need to do: Stop being so insecure. I need to quit trying to sabotage relationships and my life by acting out of my insecurities. YOU ARE OKAY. Sort of. I think. Brain, I'mma need you to stop going to the worst case scenarios, and thinking that people don't love you and want you in their lives. Stop. There is some logic in there somewhere, and you need to gahtdamb use it because people have their own shit going on that has nothing to do with you. Love you, boo, but you have got to stop.

Happy Tuesday.