It has been 3 years since I made a post, but a new friend on Twitter inspired me to get this writing thing started again. I have so much to say, but I don't know how to get it out of my head, and onto paper (er, the computer). I totally could have blogged through my deconstruction, and I feel like I missed a good opportunity to document all of that. However, I am still deconstructing, I suppose. Does the process ever stop? It's like a wall being torn down in sections: I feel like one piece of the wall gets torn down, the debris cleared away, and then the new wall goes up. But then there is the rest that needs torn down, the debris cleared away, and then built back up with fresh materials. Healthy materials.
How's that analogy?
I have been working on this thing since the late fall. I started to feel better. I was driven to take control of myself and my life, and get my shit together. Finances, work, relationships. I wanted to stop isolating, and find my people again. To get back into the world. To start doing instead of just talking endlessly about the things I would like to do. I wanted to be courageous and bold.
1. I decided that I was going to file bankruptcy. The stigma is killer with this one, but I have ridiculous medical debt from some health things that I have dealt with over the past few years. I am also a horrible money manager. I pay my rent on time. I pay my insurance always. I pay my phone bill always. Student loans always. Other things. But whatever I have left? I get what I want, and I do what I want until my money is gone. I will look at my bank account, see that I might have $60-something dollars left, and figure out what I can still get. A candle from Bath and Body Works? Done. A couple of headbands? Fuck yeah! I need stylish headbands! A book when I have hundreds of books I still need to read? Oh my god, yes. A black-tip reef shark figurine? I really do want it! It would look amazing on my desk.
Anyway, my point has been made.
However, this isn't all about personal responsibility. There are definitely some economic circumstances that do come into play. I do own my side of this, for sure. But I will point out that most bankruptcies filed now are because of medical debt. The health system needs an overhaul to make healthcare not a luxury, and certainly not a business that profits off of people's illnesses. *Stepping off my soapbox*
2. I decided to throw myself into the online dating scene through Bumble. I will be telling some of those stories here with names changed, if I can even remember their names...
Because there are some stories. I even have started my own h/t on Twitter: #AdventuresInDating.
I will be talking about dating as an exvangelical who was heavily entrenched in purity culture. We are talking about me being an Elisabeth Elliot and Joshua Harris stan. TLW rings. Purity pledges. Christian side hugs. My mom going on my first date ever with me when I was 20 (I will also tell that story). Super toxic beliefs about romantic relationships. I have been trying to deconstruct those through this process. It's slow-going in some ways, but also really liberating in others.
On Bumble, women have to make the first move. Woo! It's been an adventure!
I want a life companion. Do I need one? No. But I do want one. Whoever they may be.
3. I upped my dose of Prozac. Prozac? Yes, Prozac. I have all the energy ever. I haven't felt this good in years. Years, y'all. It has given me a new outlook on life, and I have realized that life is so precious.
For the first time, and this totally makes me want to cry because it is such a big deal, I want to LIVE. Not just exist. But LIVE. I want to experience all the things that I possibly can...on my budget...
I don't remember the last time I was this determined to live. I have had suicidal ideation off and on since I was a teenager. 14-15 years. I have been hospitalized twice because I was a danger to myself. I probably should have been hospitalized another time, but I made it through. I have had some really rough years, and have struggled quite a bit.
I have finally found hope. Even though I'm not a Christian anymore.
4. I sent my ass back to counseling. It has been rough. Throwing myself out there to try to date people brought up a whole shit ton of issues I thought had been taken care of. Guess what? They were still there. See, I have this knack for ignoring things, and pretending they don't exist until I absolutely have to face them. I wanted to do this differently though. I am facing my insecurities, challenging my disordered thinking, recognizing my triggers, evaluating my impulses, changing my behaviors, and working on my reactions. Have I reached peak wellness. Fuck. No. I am still learning, still processing, still stumbling, and still getting to know myself.
My therapist has helped me see these things, while also telling me that I'm not bad. That I am worthy of life and living. That I can do this. It's working. She knows her shit. She is helping me set boundaries, and how to communicate my needs in a healthy way. She is helping me learn how to have healthier relationships, and a healthy relationship with myself.
She rocks.
5. Audiobooks. Hit me up for recommendations.
6. Friends. I have some boss-ass bitches for friends. They are some of the coolest people around, and I cannot believe that I am so #blessed to have them in my life. Oh my god, I cannot say enough about you all. I. Love. You. So. Much.
7. Twitter. I moved my politics, rage against Christian culture, cussing, honesty, and everything over to Twitter. For the most part. I am still pretty active on facebook, bare my soul to my friends, write status updates when I'm on ambien, and keep up with friends and family. But I'm my most authentic self over on Twitter, and I have found a really great group of people in the Exvangelical community over there. I hope to become really close friends with these people like I have with my TLS and Warm Fuzzy friends on Facebook. Don't give me shit about relationships online. I will end you.
8. I have learned to love my body. I don't see flaws anymore. My body is my body. It is beautiful, and it does some kick-ass things. See, I have hated my body for various reasons. I am fat. I don't need push back on this or some other word. I'm fat; I am. But you know what? So the fuck what. I am still just as worthy of belonging, love for myself and others, and I deserve a good life. I deserve to be treated respectfully and fairly. I deserve to be taken seriously as I am, and not because I do or don't look some way. I deserve to be heard. I deserve love. I deserve my space in this world.
"Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don't belong... Nobody belongs here more than you." - Brené Brown. I belong. Period. I belong. So do you. Always.
9. Following the body positivity, and not to minimize it in any way, shape or form, I am losing weight to gain health. Health at every size. I have been working to re-set my weight set point by following intuitive eating principles. This also goes along with me getting to really know and challenge myself, my thinking, and my coping mechanisms. I have been trying to recognize my triggers and stressors, and redirect my thoughts and behaviors that have, in the past, involved food.
My relationship with food is changing, has changed, and it is going really well. This has helped with my blood pressure, mental health, fibromyalgia, overall mood, and functioning. I have realized that this is self-care. I need to treat myself well. To do this I need to know my body. What she needs, wants, and how she feels. My relationship with my body has completely changed for the better. I love her.
10. I have turned my apartment into my home. I have just kind of been existing here for the last two years, and haven't really claimed my space here. Thanks to feeling better all around, and taking control of my life, I have taken control of my house again. I live here, and I want to come home and enjoy my time here. I want to be able to invite people over. I want to hang pictures. I want to put me into my home. So I renewed my lease, am purging my house of unnecessary things, and really making this into my own sacred little space up here on the third floor.
Overall, life is going. I'm alive, and I am making a commitment to myself to actively live my life instead of just existing and letting whatever happen, happen.
I am me. I belong here. I am worthy. I am deserving. I am making moves, and loving me. I am working on sharing that love with others as well.
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