Taking Chances 2

I suppose that I could be sad right now. Or disappointed.
I didn't get the job that I applied for at work, and my supervisors let me know today. I knew that they had been working really hard to make a decision because, y'all, the meetings they had late last week and early this week? A lot. Like, because I just pick up on shit, I knew it was related to the positions I applied for.
So, yeah, I didn't get it. But I'm really okay with that. I did get some really great feedback from both supervisors though, and that was the best part of this experience. I don't have a college degree, but I can take classes that work will pay for that will make up for the lack of a college degree. A lot of these classes, especially when going for a designation of some sort, are very much like a college course. Or as rigorous. I was strongly encouraged to keep working on those. They told me I interviewed really well, I am great at what I do, great with consumers, and that they see how inquisitive and intelligent I am. They appreciate that. Again, I was incredibly thankful for the feedback. Because now? GOALS.
I want to go back to school to get a sociology degree with a minor in psychology.

Y'all I'm unconventional in so many ways. However, it's not a weakness or a flaw, but it's part of what makes me a badass woman. It also surprises people. I like surprising people and defying stereotypes. I'm good at that. (Which also plays right into my Enneagram 4 need to be unique).

I took yet another chance this month: I decided to take an academic writing class. The policy examiner position requires a lot of written correspondence, and I need to improve that skill. I like to write, and I can write. However, I don't necessarily do well writing without personality. Or it's hard to keep my personality out of what I write. Even if it's for work. It just feels so, so...wrong to be that formal. This class was supposed to cost something, but I wrote a very compelling and passionate essay. I started off saying that I just couldn't afford it or accrue new debt (which is true). But then I started thinking about money and higher education. Why should money stand in the way of someone getting an education? People want and need to learn. They want an education. Lack of financial resources should NEVER get in the way of education and learning. EVER. I really do strongly believe this, and I hope that someone somewhere with power read what I wrote. Because of that I got a scholarship, and I'm really excited to work my way through this project. Not only will it improve my formal writing for business related matters, but it will also help me get through my college comp classes. So there's that.

Adventures in dating time: I'm not sure what in the actual fuck I'm actually doing here anymore. I had the opportunity to be a casual sex partner late last month, but I just couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger, so to speak. I couldn't. While I wanted (and still do) to have sex so badly, I just couldn't bring myself to be just a fuck buddy. For me, it's not loving or honoring myself because I now know I need connection. I want to connect with someone I care about and who cares about me. More than what I can do for them, to them, and more than something purely physical. I'm more than my body, and I don't want to use my body in that way. That's okay. I'm realizing: that. is. okay.
I'm struggling here though. I'm not waiting around for SB. I've told SB this. I've also told him he is one of my favorite people in this world, and therein also lies my struggle.
But I have to keep moving forward, right?
I have options. I really should explore those. But it makes me feel a bit sick. Because what if I do move forward? What happens to SB? I don't like the idea of him not being in my life. Which scares me. I don't want to feel that way about someone without knowing that they feel the same way about me. Been there, done that, and do not want to do that again. Where do I go from here? Do I have to answer these questions right now? No.
My anxiety is high, and the struggle to not react out of that anxiety is so FUCKING real! I had to meditate three times throughout the night last night. I slept some, but I would wake up feeling a bit panicky. My anxiety brain is screaming at me to act! RIGHT NOW!! Reason is telling the anxiety brain to chill the fuck out, and sit the hell down. It's okay. I don't have to make a decision right now. Give things time. It's okay.
There is one other guy, Mark. Maybe. It's kind of waning, and I'm still trying to figure that one out.
The thing about Mark and SB? They get me. Like I've felt comfortable enough to just be fucking honest with these two, and the world didn't end.
I am enough on my own, and I'm okay on my own.
I just want presence.