This weekend I was supposed to be hosting Freckles, one of the dudes that I have been talking to since June. The end of June. Let that sink in, okay? Here's why: I haven't met him in person yet. In fact, out of all of the guys that I have continued talking to (also just fucking talking to?!?! Still), I have only met one: SB. Well, except for Ben, but we'll get to that later. Antyway, Freckles was supposed to come over this weekend; however, as the weekend got closer and closer, I was needing to know details and specifics. Like, when was he going to come over: what day? What time? You staying over night, bro? You staying more than one day, or the whole weekend? I didn't think it was unreasonable to ask these questions.
The response that I got did not make me happy at all. Freckles hadn't really thought about it because life. I then asked if he was coming over at all? Probably not until he got over whatever life was dealing him at the time. Y'all? I know life gets crazy. I KNOW. I know. I know. I know. However, I had set aside this weekend to spend with him. I felt really just disrespected because this month I really don't have a whole lot of time to give unless it's during the week. I had the time, and it was blown; dismissed. (Enter other words).
Freckles and I have talked every day since we started talking back in June. Which means we kind of check in with each other: How are you today? I always go into more detail about how I am, but from him I usually just get an, "I'm okay." But this week I was asking the typical how are you doings, and was getting a, "Life sucks response." I asked what was going on, and I would get an, "It's too much to text." response. Which I followed up with an, "I'll call you later then." I called a few times this last week, and my calls went unanswered. Then, to top that off, I would get a simple text later just saying, "Hi"
Y'all, I tried to communicate. This is why I was so upset and feeling super disrespected: he had every opportunity to talk to me earlier in the week. Every. Opportunity. To tell me what was going on. He didn't. I got angry. I TRIED TO COMMUNICATE! I TRIED TO GET HIM TO COMMUNICATE. I got nothing.
Even now, as I'm sitting here typing this, which is also why I just decided to say,"Fuck it, it's going on da blog." I am fuming because he called me while I was at my aunt's house watching the first half of the Chiefs game. I called back, and I didn't get an answer. Here in a little bit, I'll get a, "Hi"
So what am I doing?
All of the splendid plans I turned down this weekend? Didn't end up happening anyway. I tried to not let this ruin my weekend, but it kind of did anyway.
In all of this I'm thinking: We have had MULTIPLE opportunities to meet since June. I could have gone to KC so many different times, but he was waiting until he got his car fixed to come see me. To do what? What are we doing? What is the fucking point of this? Where is this going? What happens after we meet for the first fucking time? It's not like he lives a whole nother state away. Black Jesus Christ, he's just over in KC.
So is one of the other dudes who I've been talking to since the end of June as well. For fuck's sake. He just lives over in KC. I've tried to meet up with him so many different times too.
Remember when I said I'd get to Ben? Here goes.
I thought Ben and I were pretty much finished. I'm not crazy about him. We fooled around twice, and he slept over once. I was not a fan, really. However, he always seems to contact me when I'm especially feeling, I'll just say it, horny. It has been like clockwork. At the beginning of last month and this month he has messaged me out of the blue. I'll entertain it for a while because I'm really, really, really thirsty (or I really want to have sex). So it's a mutual using of each other over IG messenger. Earlier this week, Ben asked me when I was coming to see him. Still planning for Freckles to come over, I told him I didn't know, but I was going to try to maybe work him in my schedule depending on my plans with Freckles. When Freckles cancelled, I debated hard about whether or not to contact Ben for some readily available sex. Honestly, y'all, this makes me feel sick. Like, I have a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that just makes me feel...yeah, a bit nauseated.
Am I really that person? Is that who I want to be? Is this loving myself? I don't feel like I'm loving myself here.
I don't feel like I'm self-loving in any way, shape, or form here.
So my question to myself: Deandra, WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
What am I doing? I'm not trying to shame or guilt myself, but I am trying to get my own attention.
This evening I have been wrestling with all of this shit as I've been listening to both of Jes Baker's books, "Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls" and "Landwhale". (I finished the first one and started listening to the other one)
Jes got to the part in of "Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls" where she talks about being worthy of love as a fat babe. She says, after a breakup that a loveless relationship wasn't something she deserved. She goes on to say, "In that moment I made an agreement with myself that I was worthy of total and complete love without changing anything for anyone. I wasn't going to change my morals, ethics, views on happiness...and most of all, I wasn't going to change my body." I've forgotten to love me. To love my body. I forgot my worth, and I considered myself lucky to have all of this attention.
This led to my WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, DEANDRA? moment.
I'm out. I am a bad-ass bitch. A fat babe. I am amazing. I am worthy. I am worthy of good, healthy love and happiness. I DESERVE a healthy relationship with myself, and I deserve to find that with another person. These people aren't cutting it.
I DON'T DESERVE THIS SHIT. I am worth SO much more than this.
What am I going to do? I'm going to love myself, and I'm going to say exactly what I need to say.
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