I am working my way through "The 52 Lists Project: A Year of Weekly Journaling Inspiration" by Moorea Seal.
Y'all I have had this book for over a year now. For the longest time, I just let it sit in a random basket in my room. Then I got it out to fill out List 1: List your goals and dreams for this year. Fair enough, I was ready to do that. I was on my new med combination, feeling awesome about myself, going through therapy, and really wanting to get life started for myself. Maybe I have had this book for like a year and a half because bowling better, or taking lessons, was on my goals and dreams for the year list.
Antyway, I let this book sit around for a while because I just thought that I could organize this all in my head. I went back to it recently, and I looked at that first list. Some things I had actually accomplished! First, setting up my second bedroom; it is now the guinea pig room. Second, making my house my house: I have two pictures haphazardly hanging on the wall in my living room. Sitting on my living room side table I have a weird-ass little dried out horseshoe crab named Simon, a weird-ass bird statue, a bowl of stones and crystals, and an abalone shell with some sage. My house is now invite company over two days out and the house will be company-ready by then. As opposed to planning a month in advance.
I'm feeling especially thoughts and feels right now. I'm really trying find my way back to myself because I feel like I got so caught up in the #adventuresindating thing that I lost sight of who I was becoming before that. It totally took over my life! That was not my intention at all. Now that I've come to this realization, I am doing something about it.
First, I am actually working through this list project book. I have filled out some lists already, and I'm in the process of reevaluating my goals for the year. See, my year starts in November because my birthday is in November. So November to November is my year. I'm starting with List 1, which is technically supposed to be a winter list, because, well, this is where I just gahtdamb want to start. I'm a grown-ass woman and can do whatever the hell I want. But, yeah, November to November. Except that I did technically start doing this last week. Or two weeks ago. Whatever. That doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm doing this. This morning, I erased the yearly goals I had written down a year and a half ago because they've changed. I have a different perspective, a different outlook on life, and I have different goals that I now want to achieve. I will be working on that one today and tomorrow.
Second, I'm going to write about it. Yes, I'm going to write about my lists. I think it's important to help me process it (Y'all, my stomach is growling hardcore right now. I'm hungry AF) because I process my feels and emotions out loud. Listen, do you know how hard it is to face some of these lists?! Um, it's really fucking hard.
Which brings me the actual topic of my post today (how's that for a transition, eh?).
List 3: List The Happiest Moments of Your Life So Far.
Y'all, I'm struggling with this one. I have skipped this one for two weeks now. I keep looking at it and coming up empty. I even wrote above the title, "Why can't I remember?!" What is my brain doing to me here? Or is it my own doing?
The "Take Action" part says it all, really. "Sometimes it's easy to forget all of the wonderful things that have happened in our lives..." No shit.
So here's my theory: every good memory I might have is not remembered as a pure, happy moment anymore. It has been muddied with the events that happened after because it always seemed like there were some consequence or price to pay for those happy moments. Or those happy moments happened with people I fell out with. Or who are no longer here. I am having a really difficult time zeroing in on the actual happy. Or I just don't remember them altogether. Is that a trauma response? Some of these things happened in what seems like my past life. Are they still happy moments if they happened when I was still a Christian? Or when I was still so fucking naive? Is it okay to list those moments? I just feel like all of them are tinged with a "then the other shoe dropped" narrative. Or whatever.
There has been a lot of pain in my life. Sometimes I can't see past it, but List 3 is going to help me get there, and I'm going to get through this happy moment existential crisis. So many crises right now. But they aren't, like, holding me back this time. I'm just working through them as they come up.
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