Taking Chances

I don't like cliches so I'm not going to use the one about taking chances.

I have to take chances though. I spent most of my twenties in fear to step out and take control of my life. Fear because I didn't want to step out of the will of God. I was led to believe that I needed to wait for him to reveal his will to me, and then I could act on that and move forward with his blessing. So I was waiting. Always waiting. I was told it was good and right to wait. 
I'm tired of fucking waiting, y'all. But that fear is still a problem for me. I'm still cautious, and sometimes that really is a good thing. Sometimes I do need to heed that caution, and then I don't. I can be a little reckless when I get really restless when I'm tired of waiting. LET'S MAKE THINGS HAPPEN RIGHT NOW!!
Antyway, so waiting has been my thing. I have been stagnant. Until this year. This 30th year of my life has been one long adventure, you know? It started with something kind of simple. I decided that I was no longer going to feel unwelcome at my own family gatherings, and took off to go to the Omaha Zoo on Thanksgiving--it also happened to be my birthday weekend. It was my birthday present to myself, but it was more than just going to the zoo. It was my act of defiance that was my real present.
After that? I made myself vulnerable to the world. Vulnerability is courage right? The power of being vulnerable.
I've done some other super adventurous things since then. I'm feeling a little (read very) disillusioned, and recognize that I am sort of at a crossroads; another turning point in my life.
I'm feeling that pull to withdraw from the world again. To pull myself back and block out damn near everyone out and everything. I just want to wait for things to happen again. It's safe there; I know that territory. I don't have to make decisions there. I just keep existing instead of LIVING.
But I'm going to keep on keeping on. It's going to be a bit of a struggle. I'm going to have to fight a lot to stay engaged. But bring it on. I have a great support system encouraging me. They are giving me perspective, and checking my bullshit when I need it (even if I don't want it sometimes). I do the same.
So despite wanting to withdraw, I took a leap:
A job in my current division needs to be filled. I have only been at the Insurance Department for 3 years this October. I moved up pretty quickly from the front desk to the consumer assistance division. I've been in the consumer assistance division for nearly two of those three years now. True story: they made me move up into my current job. They saw that I would excel at my current job, and that I really had the potential to do more. They believed in me. (They: my old boss, my current boss, the consumer reps, and the former assistant commissioner. Hell, event he insurance commissioner himself)
With the support and a push from my coworkers, I applied for the consumer representative job. I don't feel very qualified to do it. I don't have the degree, I don't have all of the experience, and I have only been here for two years. I still have SO much to learn in order to do this job. It is on the health and life insurance side of the division though. I just happen to be super passionate about health insurance needs and issues. What might help me? 1. I'm already here. 2. The other H/L reps expect me to be moving into this position. 3. I love to help people. I work so hard to understand people and see them and hear them out. 4. I ask questions. 5. I am on a constant quest to learn all that I can when I can. 6. I am smart. 7. I pick things up very quickly. 8. I do my research.
I procrastinated. But my friend/coworker Nikki (not her actual name) pushed me. I didn't shut down when she did either. She pushed me to follow through. I want this job, but I'm afraid at the same time. I'm afraid to move forward because what if I make the wrong move? What if I'm really disappointed? I have faced so much disappointment in my life that sometimes I do feel justified in just shutting down and existing. But doing that also takes me into really dark territory with my depression and anxiety. Plus, I miss out on life when I do that. I want life.
I got my application in at the last possible moment. I am actually waiting, but it's not passive, give-up waiting.

The other story:
I was going to take another super adventurous leap this weekend. This one might have been more on the reckless end of, "Well, I thought it was a good idea at the time!"  Not *might* it was solidly on the reckless end. The end that will get me into trouble. I'm a sexually deprived mess right now. I really am. I'm sexually frustrated, and I want to have sex right now. But not with just anybody. Sort of.
Because of my sex deprived state, I know that I have to be a leeetle more careful because I am prone to make some stupid and impulsive decisions. LOL. Oh, I made one...that, thankfully, fell through. At the same time I am hurt and angry.
Quick synopsis of what led up to my almost reckless thing. Eliminations happened on the real life bachelorette show that is my life right now. A trio was down to two. One of those relationships is/was rocky. I'm stuck in a waiting game with the other. It's torture. See, I know the paradox here. But, like I said, this is also familiar territory.
Well, I was done fucking waiting. I was going to make something happen, and I put myself back on the dating market. Well, I downloaded the Bumble app again to see who was out there during my two month hiatus from it. Because, y'all, juggling five guys at once is a shit-ton of work. Who am I actually interested in? Who is interested in really pursuing a relationship instead of just a fucking friendship (don't get me started)? Who won't friend-zone me? Who just wants something casual? My, um, frustrated state needed attention. Along comes this dude who got to me through humor and some quality flirting. I cannot tell y'all how quickly that works on me. I hate it.
Dude got to me. He was so blessedly forward. It was SUCH a turn-on. He knew what he wanted (me), and he was going to do what it took to have a fling with me (not in a bad, non-consensual way). I NEED/ED someone like that right now. I was SO down for this too. Because, again, I'm incredibly thirsty right now! We made plans. I worked hard in the days leading up to this event. The day came, I was late getting out of the house to get a few things from the store, and I texted the dude to see if we could push back the time an hour. I still had to go home and take a shower, and do a couple of more things around the house. Immediately after I sent that? He deleted; he just disappeared without a word. I. Was. Fucking. Pissed. Pissed at him. Pissed at myself for letting this happen. I let him in way faster than I should have, and I was being so fucking reckless. However, that was a REALLY shitty thing for him to do. I might have been catfished.
It made me pause though. What was I doing? What am I doing? I need to slow the fuck down, and do some reflecting again.
But I'm tired of feeling like I'm limbo with the two guys that I'm in limbo with. I get so anxious being in this place; I have the potential and tendency to spiral out of control when I feel like I'm in this place. To make decisions that I know I shouldn't be making.
You know what my tarot card was for this last week was? The gahtdamb fucking Hermit. Now I need to sit myself down, check-in with myself, and address the issues that I'm ignoring. Because, y'all let's face it--I'm doing this because I'm ignoring shit instead of dealing with it. I'm either making these reckless decisions or I am eating my feels again.
I'm also feeling some of the darkness of depression trying to slither back in. If all of the above isn't enough, right? There's the depression.

Still. I'm persisting. I want to withdraw, but gahtdamb if I don't need to stay engaged right now. I have to.