Back Like James Brown

It has been about a month since I’ve written something. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself about it. I needed a break apparently? The last post that I wrote was really, really heavy. To write about things such as mental illness, sexual assault, abuse, issues with parents, life struggles, and racism, the journey back through them to write about them is often traumatic I’m thinking. So I withdrew because I was overwhelmed with everything else going on: Family stuff, getting to know a few guys, having sex...(now I’m up to 3 times with 2 different people! Go me!!), buying my own condoms (with my friend Tracy’s help), reading, and trying to keep myself from getting too overwhelmed. I did, and now I’m back like James Brown. Maybe.
There are so many topics that need to get out of my head, and typed on a page. I’m not sure which one to pick right now. It’s so scattered. A few days ago I wanted to talk about race (I really will get to that eventually). But I keep going back to the dating thing. Because that is one of the biggest things that is happening in my life.
I’m not sure what happened, or how it happened, but all of a sudden around a month ago, 5 different guys decided they wanted to get to know me. 5!! WHAT?! HOW?! It still baffles me. I’m learning to accept it though. I have been throwing myself out into the dating world for nearly a year now, and up until a month ago, I had only met 2 people in person: Skunk boy. We officially met in person in February, but started talking back in December. SB, how has it been this long? He’s become an old familiar friend now, and I love that dude. I really do. I am so fond of him, and it makes heart happy. Like as unavailable as he is, he is still there. I’ve tested the limits of our friendship and he’s still here. I’m still like, “HOW?!” I worry about him though. I’m worried about him right now. I just want to see him, give him a hug, and make sure he is okay. Probably feed him too. I now have these like nurturing, protective feels towards him.
The second guy, let’s name him Jenson, we met once not long after the boy slept in my bed, met once, had sex, and then he ghosted. Which I’ve already talked about in a previous post.
Somehow, all of a sudden, maybe because of my give-no-fucks attitude I conveyed through my dating profile: Humans are basically trash, try to convince me otherwise. Check out my ass (because I had a picture with my cousin’s donkey, and one where I was sticking out my clothed ass). Apparently, that was appealing and attractive because I got five guys who were super interested. FIVE! How in the hell?! What in the world?! I don’t understand it, and I’m not trying to. I’m pretty much just letting it happen. I have met three out of the five men. I have banished one to the far ends of the earth (not really. I just told him I wasn’t interested), had covfefe with one (I had lemonade) on two different occasions, and have met one more on two different occasions as well. That last one, Ben, I’ve actually had sex with twice. So I have now had sex a total of 3 times now. That has been interesting. I have figured out that I don’t much care for making out. Touch? Oh my god, touch me everywhere. Making out? Mmmm...not a fan. It’s just...weird. The mechanics of it are...weird. Hm. Maybe with the right person? Who knows. I still want to take SB for a spin (that hasn’t changed, btw).
I still have yet to meet the other two of the five. I talk to one of them every day. I wasn’t so sure about him at first, and felt like I was getting this weird vibe from him. I felt like he was maybe going to be too controlling. Lol, we talked some shit out last weekend, and things have been so different, and he’s really growing on me. Like butterflies in my stomach, get a little turned on different. He’s real. A couple of weeks ago he asked me if I ever thought about getting intimate and whatever with him. I said yeah, but wasn’t that far into liking him yet. I asked him. His answer: “Yeah, I’d have sex with you. We WILL have sex when we meet.” I was actually a little pissed. Like how dare?! It was spoken with such confidence that I was not ready for. Then he called me out on not taking the time to communicate with him. He’s a bit jaded. I got pissed again. I also felt like he was blocking me out. Which I HATE! I just didn’t feel like we were connecting at all. Until two weeks ago when I just laid some shit out because I was just feeling off about this whole thing with him. We got to a place of clarity, and it’s kind of amazing now. He is amazing. I thought he was going to be an asshole, domineering and controlling. Lol! Silly Deandra. He’s not. He’s so with it. HE HAS CATS! HE LOVES CATS. He is super smart. Attractive as hell. Has freckles. Attentive. Is funny. As I’m getting to know him better he’s kind of becoming the front runner.
The original front runner was actually another guy, Corbin But as I’m getting to know him more, and getting closer to what might be an actual relationship the less I am sure about him. I actually thought he was my person. I’m still trying to get some things cleared up with him this week, but I don’t know. It’s almost like he and the guy mentioned above have switched places. I don’t understand it.
But maybe we aren’t as compatible as I originally thought? Or I kind of feel like he’s pushing me away a bit. He won’t stop talking about being an alpha male with a strong personality. He uses these things almost as an excuse, honestly. That bothers me. I’m fluid, and he is more concrete. I think in colors, and he is black and white. I thought we would really complement and balance each other out. I thought I knew that I knew that I knew he was my person. However, when you have to keep talking about how modern women don’t get you because you are an alpha, and they want a weak man that they can change and mold to meet their standards? It’s bothersome. When you start saying shit like that, you make it damn near impossible to actually get to know people for the individuals that they are. Complex, unique, beautiful people (myself. Not being cocky, but truly acknowledging who I am). These are the ways in which I want to describe and be described. Not a term, not a type, and not a box. I know my personality types, but honestly I don’t give two shits anymore. They don’t fully describe or encompass who I really am. They should not be used to excuse us from integrating and growing as needed. I recognize that, and I wish others would too. I am more interested in who an individual truly is. Their values. Their character. Their humor. Their interests. Their beliefs. So I’ve been trying to get that point across, and I think it’s not quite translating how I mean it. It’s being misunderstood.
I am also standing my ground on a few things. I refuse to conform to some things, and I don’t think that is a bad thing. I have worked too hard to be where I am now. I have changed, and I’m still changing. I am learning to take up my space, stand my ground, and not minimize myself for other people. I am getting back to things, like writing, that I thought were gone forever. I am living, and I refuse to let that be robbed from me again. Christianity did that to me. I’ll be damned if I let a relationship do that to me too.
So Freckles started off rocky, and Corbin started off strong. However, they have strangely switched places. I didn’t think that would happen.