NaNoWriMo. Or, What Did I Just Get Myself Into?!

What have I gotten myself into?
Last week, in the comments on a Facebook post about writing, one of my friends told me about National Novel Writing Month. Intrigued, I searched the net to see what this NaNoWriMo business was all about because I had never heard of it before. Turns out? It’s kind of a big deal, and there are lots and lots of people who participate in this crazy project.
What is it? During the month of November, people take on this massive project of writing a 50,000 word novel. So starting at 12:00 am on November 1st and ending on November 30 at 11:59 PM. It is preferably a fiction novel. There are WriMo Rebels who do choose to go the nonfiction route, and I seriously thought about doing that because I do want to eventually write a memoir or two. Like essay formats (which I think I’ve mentioned before). But fiction?! LOL! That’s cute. I haven’t written anything fiction-y in years. Years!
But why not? What do I have to lose here? I’m in between classes right now. Speaking of which, so I found out that, even though I’m technically in the advanced writing specialization course, I still have to reapply for financial aid when I want to move to the next course. *eye twitch* Y’all, it’s a good thing I can write super compelling essays and shit. I rocked that financial aid app, and I will do it three more times over the next several months.
Antyway, I will be taking on this novel writing endeavor; I am writing a fiction novel. I’M WRITING A GAHTDAMB FUCKING NOVEL, Y’ALL. HOLY SHIT. *taking a moment to freak out*
Like I just can’t get over the awesomeness of this decision and project. What better way to usher in my 31st year of life, right?
I began my 30th year of life changing my life. Now I’m doing it again. I think this is going to be my 30s. Well, at least the first half.
While excited, I’m also anxious and scared. I haven’t had to create a main character in a long time. I have to figure her out (MC will be a woman). I have my plot out, and it seems like that might have been the easy part in all of this. Developing my character has been a whole nother thing; however, I think it’s going to be easier than I think. See, I am good at free writing. I might have a topic in mind, like I did tonight, but then my brain just goes, my fingers go, and I create something that morphs into its own beautiful thing. I do believe that this novel is going to turn out the same.
One of the hardest parts in this, other than developing my main character, will be putting away my editor self. I have been told I will want to edit the shit out of this book; however, that completely defeats the purpose of this project. That is for later. The point is to just write my ass off. There are several methods that work for people, and, when the 1st rolls around, I will see what works for me. But this inner editor? When we’re working on this project? She has to shut the fuck up and sit the hell down. We can edit AFTER NaNoWriMo is over. We did decide on a compromise though: I can edit my essays when the second part of the writing class starts, and i can edit my blog posts (yes, I will still be blogging through this whole gahtdamb project...because I need an outlet). We just gon’ write.
Tonight, my intention was to come home to prep for the month. That didn’t happen. I went with my aunt and cousins to make food for the guests at the Ronald McDonald house. It WAS a nice change of pace, but I’m now freaking out about all of the stuff I want to do; however, do I really NEED to do all of the things I think I need to do? Well, yes, some. If I was really going to go crazy, I would take my ass up the highway to the maze that is IKEA to get my Kallax desk/shelf system thing. I have been eyeing that thing for nearly two years now.
Also, okay, here’s a thing, so why do the guys seem to message me at the same time? I swear to Black Jesus this happens all the time: either SB will message me and then Mark will (he’s still a thing...maybe). Or the other way around. I’m not even kidding! This really happens. It just happened while I was sitting here typing this.
Antyway, back to my prep, I want that desk. I feel like my life will change if I have that desk. It’s not even that expensive, honestly. It does require *some* assembly, and it also requires wall anchoring. Both of which I completely do not know how to do. I don’t have the fortitude or skill (yet) to put shit like that together! Maybe I can get SB to do it and hang up my pictures. Dude is SUPER handy.
What I’m going to do instead is use what I have on hand for now. I have a folding table, and I’m going to set that up as my writing table. I do have to get a chair that isn’t a stool, but that will be an easy thing to do. I want to get a bulletin board and a dry erase board. Both of those, however, do require wall hanging. I’m going to get a dude over here, that’s for sure. So while I have this grand vision for my personal writing/craft/schoolwork space with that gahtdamb IKEA shelf/desk, it’s just noth that practical right now. I will eventually get there. Maybe that will be one of my halfway point rewards? I think that’s a great idea, actually.
Oh, I was also going to mention something about my new notebook. While I was working today, I realized that I can’t always access my writing website to add ideas and shit. I then realized that having a bunch of notecards, while a great idea, is not exactly practical either. Hello, can we say lost? The solution? A little pink notebook that will easily fit in my purse. I feel like this is a necessary writer’s tool for me as I will be able to whip it out and write down whatever is coming to mind when it comes to mind. Or something like that. It is really comforting to know that it’s going to be there, and I can jot down my ideas without losing them in some way.

Well, here I go. I’m going to write a motherfucking novel.
I’m doing it.

I Can't Remember Happy Moments

I am working my way through "The 52 Lists Project: A Year of Weekly Journaling Inspiration" by Moorea Seal.
Y'all I have had this book for over a year now. For the longest time, I just let it sit in a random basket in my room. Then I got it out to fill out List 1: List your goals and dreams for this year. Fair enough, I was ready to do that. I was on my new med combination, feeling awesome about myself, going through therapy, and really wanting to get life started for myself. Maybe I have had this book for like a year and a half because bowling better, or taking lessons, was on my goals and dreams for the year list.
Antyway, I let this book sit around for a while because I just thought that I could organize this all in my head. I went back to it recently, and I looked at that first list. Some things I had actually accomplished! First, setting up my second bedroom; it is now the guinea pig room. Second, making my house my house: I have two pictures haphazardly hanging on the wall in my living room. Sitting on my living room side table I have a weird-ass little dried out horseshoe crab named Simon, a weird-ass bird statue, a bowl of stones and crystals, and an abalone shell with some sage. My house is now invite company over two days out and the house will be company-ready by then. As opposed to planning a month in advance.
I'm feeling especially thoughts and feels right now. I'm really trying find my way back to myself because I feel like I got so caught up in the #adventuresindating thing that I lost sight of who I was becoming before that. It totally took over my life! That was not my intention at all. Now that I've come to this realization, I am doing something about it.
First, I am actually working through this list project book. I have filled out some lists already, and I'm in the process of reevaluating my goals for the year. See, my year starts in November because my birthday is in November. So November to November is my year. I'm starting with List 1, which is technically supposed to be a winter list, because, well, this is where I just gahtdamb want to start. I'm a grown-ass woman and can do whatever the hell I want. But, yeah, November to November. Except that I did technically start doing this last week. Or two weeks ago. Whatever. That doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm doing this. This morning, I erased the yearly goals I had written down a year and a half ago because they've changed. I have a different perspective, a different outlook on life, and I have different goals that I now want to achieve. I will be working on that one today and tomorrow.

Second, I'm going to write about it. Yes, I'm going to write about my lists. I think it's important to help me process it (Y'all, my stomach is growling hardcore right now. I'm hungry AF) because I process my feels and emotions out loud. Listen, do you know how hard it is to face some of these lists?! Um, it's really fucking hard.

Which brings me the actual topic of my post today (how's that for a transition, eh?).

List 3: List The Happiest Moments of Your Life So Far.

Y'all, I'm struggling with this one. I have skipped this one for two weeks now. I keep looking at it and coming up empty. I even wrote above the title, "Why can't I remember?!" What is my brain doing to me here? Or is it my own doing?
The "Take Action" part says it all, really. "Sometimes it's easy to forget all of the wonderful things that have happened in our lives..." No shit.
So here's my theory: every good memory I might have is not remembered as a pure, happy moment anymore. It has been muddied with the events that happened after because it always seemed like there were some consequence or price to pay for those happy moments. Or those happy moments happened with people I fell out with. Or who are no longer here. I am having a really difficult time zeroing in on the actual happy. Or I just don't remember them altogether. Is that a trauma response? Some of these things happened in what seems like my past life. Are they still happy moments if they happened when I was still a Christian? Or when I was still so fucking naive? Is it okay to list those moments? I just feel like all of them are tinged with a "then the other shoe dropped" narrative. Or whatever.

There has been a lot of pain in my life. Sometimes I can't see past it, but List 3 is going to help me get there, and I'm going to get through this happy moment existential crisis. So many crises right now. But they aren't, like, holding me back this time. I'm just working through them as they come up.

A Woman Has Some Questions

Okay so tell me this:

Is it unreasonable for me to not want to have sex on the first date, or whatever the fuck you call online meet-ups nowadays.
This is not unreasonable. Why is this a thing? Why am I feeling, like, crazy for wanting to set this boundary. Why do I feel crazy for saying, "No." Even if I have wanted to have sex. But after having sex on the first whatever-the-fuck-you-call-it with a couple of guys, I don't like it.
Also, figuring out that this is a determining factor as to whether a relationship of some sort moves forward or not? Heeeelllll to the no. That's so much pressure. I don't want that. At all.
This is okay. I have to keep telling myself that this is okay.
I feel like this has maybe already cost me a relationship, but if that's the case then that wasn't something I needed, right?
Why am I even questioning this?
Is it crazy for me to have a standard of respect? Like respecting me is taking me on a couple of dates, see how things go, and then ASK/DISCUSS when we are ready to have sex. That's what I want.
I have a hard conversation ahead of me with Freckles. It's not going to end well, I don't think. I think that he will probably assume that I've been leading him on or something.
But I haven't been. I'm allowed to change my mind. I'm not obligated to him or anything. My, "WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, DEANDRA?!" moment is really, truly making an impact.
Setting boundaries is one of those things.
I'm basically doing a 180.
But that's okay.
Right?
This is hard. Not because I don't know what I want; I do. It's because I know what I want, and the way this is going is not it. The way this whole dating thing has been going is not it.
This is just not it.
And that's okay.
Right?

SB

I'm not quite sure why I keep talking about someone giving SB a run for his money.
Because, really, SB is kind of in a whole nother category or a whole nother level. Because stuff and things.
SB is SB.
There is no other way to explain it, and I'm going to stop trying to do that in my adventures in dating blog posts.
Which doesn't necessarily mean that I will stop talking about SB, but he won't be compared to anyone anymore.
He's kind of one of my favorite people, and it is what it is.
I guess I'm writing this because I just wasn't sure where we stood. I didn't know where things were going, and I didn't know if he was going to be around. Or what would happen if I started dating someone. But I'm pretty at peace in our whatever-ship now. He's not going anywhere, and I'm not going anywhere. We're just kind of...here. I guess I just needed to know that. Now that I do, things are okay.

What in the Fuck Am I Doing?

So the job thing right? Just applying for that job helped me see where I wanted to be in life. Who I want to be, who I want to surround myself with, and what I want to be doing. This is not it.

This weekend I was supposed to be hosting Freckles, one of the dudes that I have been talking to since June. The end of June. Let that sink in, okay? Here's why: I haven't met him in person yet. In fact, out of all of the guys that I have continued talking to (also just fucking talking to?!?! Still), I have only met one: SB. Well, except for Ben, but we'll get to that later. Antyway, Freckles was supposed to come over this weekend; however, as the weekend got closer and closer, I was needing to know details and specifics. Like, when was he going to come over: what day? What time? You staying over night, bro? You staying more than one day, or the whole weekend? I didn't think it was unreasonable to ask these questions. 

The response that I got did not make me happy at all. Freckles hadn't really thought about it because life. I then asked if he was coming over at all? Probably not until he got over whatever life was dealing him at the time. Y'all? I know life gets crazy. I KNOW. I know. I know. I know. However, I had set aside this weekend to spend with him. I felt really just disrespected because this month I really don't have a whole lot of time to give unless it's during the week. I had the time, and it was blown; dismissed. (Enter other words). 

Freckles and I have talked every day since we started talking back in June. Which means we kind of check in with each other: How are you today? I always go into more detail about how I am, but from him I usually just get an, "I'm okay." But this week I was asking the typical how are you doings, and was getting a, "Life sucks response." I asked what was going on, and I would get an, "It's too much to text." response. Which I followed up with an, "I'll call you later then." I called a few times this last week, and my calls went unanswered. Then, to top that off, I would get a simple text later just saying, "Hi" 

Y'all, I tried to communicate. This is why I was so upset and feeling super disrespected: he had every opportunity to talk to me earlier in the week. Every. Opportunity. To tell me what was going on. He didn't. I got angry. I TRIED TO COMMUNICATE! I TRIED TO GET HIM TO COMMUNICATE. I got nothing.

Even now, as I'm sitting here typing this, which is also why I just decided to say,"Fuck it, it's going on da blog." I am fuming because he called me while I was at my aunt's house watching the first half of the Chiefs game. I called back, and I didn't get an answer. Here in a little bit, I'll get a, "Hi"

So what am I doing?

All of the splendid plans I turned down this weekend? Didn't end up happening anyway. I tried to not let this ruin my weekend, but it kind of did anyway. 

In all of this I'm thinking: We have had MULTIPLE opportunities to meet since June. I could have gone to KC so many different times, but he was waiting until he got his car fixed to come see me. To do what? What are we doing? What is the fucking point of this? Where is this going? What happens after we meet for the first fucking time? It's not like he lives a whole nother state away. Black Jesus Christ, he's just over in KC. 

So is one of the other dudes who I've been talking to since the end of June as well. For fuck's sake. He just lives over in KC. I've tried to meet up with him so many different times too. 

Remember when I said I'd get to Ben? Here goes. 

I thought Ben and I were pretty much finished. I'm not crazy about him. We fooled around twice, and he slept over once. I was not a fan, really. However, he always seems to contact me when I'm especially feeling, I'll just say it, horny. It has been like clockwork. At the beginning of last month and this month he has messaged me out of the blue. I'll entertain it for a while because I'm really, really, really thirsty (or I really want to have sex). So it's a mutual using of each other over IG messenger. Earlier this week, Ben asked me when I was coming to see him. Still planning for Freckles to come over, I told him I didn't know, but I was going to try to maybe work him in my schedule depending on my plans with Freckles. When Freckles cancelled, I debated hard about whether or not to contact Ben for some readily available sex. Honestly, y'all, this makes me feel sick. Like, I have a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that just makes me feel...yeah, a bit nauseated. 

Am I really that person? Is that who I want to be? Is this loving myself? I don't feel like I'm loving myself here. 

I don't feel like I'm self-loving in any way, shape, or form here. 

So my question to myself: Deandra, WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

What am I doing? I'm not trying to shame or guilt myself, but I am trying to get my own attention. 

This evening I have been wrestling with all of this shit as I've been listening to both of Jes Baker's books, "Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls" and "Landwhale". (I finished the first one and started listening to the other one)

Jes got to the part in of "Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls" where she talks about being worthy of love as a fat babe. She says, after a breakup that a loveless relationship wasn't something she deserved. She goes on to say, "In that moment I made an agreement with myself that I was worthy of total and complete love without changing anything for anyone. I wasn't going to change my morals, ethics, views on happiness...and most of all, I wasn't going to change my body." I've forgotten to love me. To love my body. I forgot my worth, and I considered myself lucky to have all of this attention. 

This led to my WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, DEANDRA? moment. 

I'm out. I am a bad-ass bitch. A fat babe. I am amazing. I am worthy. I am worthy of good, healthy love and happiness. I DESERVE a healthy relationship with myself, and I deserve to find that with another person. These people aren't cutting it. 

I DON'T DESERVE THIS SHIT. I am worth SO much more than this. 

What am I going to do? I'm going to love myself, and I'm going to say exactly what I need to say.

Taking Chances 2

I suppose that I could be sad right now. Or disappointed.
I didn't get the job that I applied for at work, and my supervisors let me know today. I knew that they had been working really hard to make a decision because, y'all, the meetings they had late last week and early this week? A lot. Like, because I just pick up on shit, I knew it was related to the positions I applied for.
So, yeah, I didn't get it. But I'm really okay with that. I did get some really great feedback from both supervisors though, and that was the best part of this experience. I don't have a college degree, but I can take classes that work will pay for that will make up for the lack of a college degree. A lot of these classes, especially when going for a designation of some sort, are very much like a college course. Or as rigorous. I was strongly encouraged to keep working on those. They told me I interviewed really well, I am great at what I do, great with consumers, and that they see how inquisitive and intelligent I am. They appreciate that. Again, I was incredibly thankful for the feedback. Because now? GOALS.
I want to go back to school to get a sociology degree with a minor in psychology.

Y'all I'm unconventional in so many ways. However, it's not a weakness or a flaw, but it's part of what makes me a badass woman. It also surprises people. I like surprising people and defying stereotypes. I'm good at that. (Which also plays right into my Enneagram 4 need to be unique).

I took yet another chance this month: I decided to take an academic writing class. The policy examiner position requires a lot of written correspondence, and I need to improve that skill. I like to write, and I can write. However, I don't necessarily do well writing without personality. Or it's hard to keep my personality out of what I write. Even if it's for work. It just feels so, so...wrong to be that formal. This class was supposed to cost something, but I wrote a very compelling and passionate essay. I started off saying that I just couldn't afford it or accrue new debt (which is true). But then I started thinking about money and higher education. Why should money stand in the way of someone getting an education? People want and need to learn. They want an education. Lack of financial resources should NEVER get in the way of education and learning. EVER. I really do strongly believe this, and I hope that someone somewhere with power read what I wrote. Because of that I got a scholarship, and I'm really excited to work my way through this project. Not only will it improve my formal writing for business related matters, but it will also help me get through my college comp classes. So there's that.

Adventures in dating time: I'm not sure what in the actual fuck I'm actually doing here anymore. I had the opportunity to be a casual sex partner late last month, but I just couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger, so to speak. I couldn't. While I wanted (and still do) to have sex so badly, I just couldn't bring myself to be just a fuck buddy. For me, it's not loving or honoring myself because I now know I need connection. I want to connect with someone I care about and who cares about me. More than what I can do for them, to them, and more than something purely physical. I'm more than my body, and I don't want to use my body in that way. That's okay. I'm realizing: that. is. okay.
I'm struggling here though. I'm not waiting around for SB. I've told SB this. I've also told him he is one of my favorite people in this world, and therein also lies my struggle.
But I have to keep moving forward, right?
I have options. I really should explore those. But it makes me feel a bit sick. Because what if I do move forward? What happens to SB? I don't like the idea of him not being in my life. Which scares me. I don't want to feel that way about someone without knowing that they feel the same way about me. Been there, done that, and do not want to do that again. Where do I go from here? Do I have to answer these questions right now? No.
My anxiety is high, and the struggle to not react out of that anxiety is so FUCKING real! I had to meditate three times throughout the night last night. I slept some, but I would wake up feeling a bit panicky. My anxiety brain is screaming at me to act! RIGHT NOW!! Reason is telling the anxiety brain to chill the fuck out, and sit the hell down. It's okay. I don't have to make a decision right now. Give things time. It's okay.
There is one other guy, Mark. Maybe. It's kind of waning, and I'm still trying to figure that one out.
The thing about Mark and SB? They get me. Like I've felt comfortable enough to just be fucking honest with these two, and the world didn't end.
I am enough on my own, and I'm okay on my own.
I just want presence.