What In The Fuck Am I Doing Part 2

December 20th update: I'm changing my mind regarding the sex on the first date thing. That's okay too. I think it just has to be with the right person. With everyone else so far? That hasn't been it. At all. Looking back, even though it's only been two months (y'all so much can happen in such a short fucking time!), none of these people were the right people. I already felt hesitant with them from the beginning. Well, everyone except Mark, but that's no longer a thing (he didn't necessarily ghost, but became unavailable because of a thing that came up. I still don't know what that thing is, and I don't know that I ever will now. That's okay. I wish him well in life. I'm not really feeling that I lost out on something anymore).
Also, can we talk about the shaming and weirdness that happens when someone chooses to have sex on the first date. Like the rules and regulations surrounding that. The games. What if I want to? What if the guy does NOT shame me or think less of me for doing that with him. If I wasn't okay with it, I wouldn't be doing it. But I've had some people tell me if I want a relationship, don't do it on the first, it's the third date thing. I say fuck that shit. That's game playing.
Additionally, what if that wasn't THE (having sex on the first date) main determining factor of whether a relationship would begin or not?
Some of this comes from purity culture. Some of it comes from how society views men and women and their respective expressions of their sexuality. Some of this comes from even my own insecurity.
But I don't think I need to worry about this anymore. I think these messages are bullshit.
Okay so another thing here. We told are that we can't trust ourselves--we can't make our own decisions. This was a thing I constantly ran into when I was a Christian, but it's pervasive outside of Christianity too. This is interesting to me. But I also shouldn't be surprised. Because this is the message that women get: we are not aloud to make our own decisions, to trust ourselves, and to trust our bodies. To even trust other people.

 So what in the fuck am I doing now?

Trusting myself. That's what I'm doing. I'm going to take a chance and trust another person. This is really, really difficult for me. I think I need to though. 

Edit: What in the fuck am I doing?
Moving forward. In many ways. I got a second job, and I absolutely love it.

These what in the fuck am I doing moments have been brought to you by the end of NaNoWriMo, realizing that I am a bad-ass bitch (You better work. Thank you, RuPaul), and realizing that I lost my way again.
NaNoWriMo brought a whole lot of things out of me. As I threw myself into developing my main character, I realized that she is, in a way, an extension of me. Of course that meant that I was writing some hard truths I didn't necessarily want to face; however, I did. It was revealing. I needed it though.

I'm going back to school this semester. I changed my major to sociology with a minor in psychology. Who is surprised by that? I certainly am not.

I kiiiiiiind of want to see if I can complete my degree before my brother gets through his. A little competition. I haven't told my family that I'm going back to college. I've told my mom, dad, and my friends. That's it.

The last things I want to say in this post: I accomplished so much, I did so much work, only to get a little bit off course again. I'm back now.

I'm a little bit blown away by how life can change in such a short period of time. But it can.