Too Much/Not Enough

*deep breath*

I realized today that I'm not grounded right now. What I mean by that is I've lost my coping skills. My really good coping skills. I replaced them with people that didn't deserve to be any part of my coping mechanism arsenal. I replaced them with being wanted, really. Which, considering my history, this isn't a surprise to me. 

I am going through the things that grounded me this year. I keep feeling like I'm losing my way. I know what I want. I really do, but I feel like my grasp on it is so weak.
Shame spirals suck.
Anxiety brain fucking sucks.
I have anxiety brain right now, and I can't word. For real. Talking is not my forte right now, and that's okay I guess?
Doing things that require my focus are not my jam right now either. (Writing doesn't count)
I'm checked out, but I'm not checked out. Really my focus is on trying to do what I can to manage my anxiety and keep it from escalating. I mean it's pretty gahtdamb high, but it could be worse. But not much because then I would be in panic attack territory.
My anxiety is so high that I've forgotten how to effectively communicate. To not make assumptions. To ask for clarification when I need it. To pull out my thoughts and feelings, examine them, see them for what they are, name them, and then talk about them.

*deep breath*

I was going to take a nap when I got home, but I decided to sit my ass down and write. Until I go to my counseling appointment: writing, friends, music, a hair cut, cooking, my animals, reading, and work at the Ronald McDonald House. Seriously, there is something about that place that is so peaceful. Even when I'm running around like a crazy woman. Or get busy. Or annoyed.

So. This evening I am going through the books that really impacted me this year. There have been so many, and there is no way that I can get through them all in one evening or one post, but I've been thinking about some quotes all day. Or since last night. Oy last night. I wrote what I wrote. I said what I said. That's going to be another post that I won't be able to read again.

I also thought about just laying me all out there. Instead of just letting someone see bits and pieces of me, Imma let them see the whole thing. Everything. I feel like even with this fucking blog, y'all are only seeing bits and pieces of me. Maybe? I mean these last few posts have been me really peeling back the layers. Of stripping down to the real me. I think that's partly why I'm so fucking anxious. What is everyone going to think? Of me. Is this okay? Am I enough? Am I too much?
Because the not enough/too much dichotomy has been a thing that I've been battling for as long as I can remember. Which is why I don't let my guard all the way down.

Michael Arceneaux wrecked me with this guard down concept this evening in his book "I Can't Date Jesus"
He says, "It wasn't until my thirties that I had an epiphany: I was attracting unattainable people because I was no less unattainable. I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't know how to let my guard all the way down. I knew how to volunteer the kind of information that gave folks the sense of connection; it was a tactic to throw them off the scent of who I really was and what ate away at me. I became even better at it, because the few times I felt I was trying to get close to people, they rejected me or used what I had divulged against me. That deepened my underlying cynicism that falling in love with someone opened the door for them to destroy parts--or all--of me...In life people will disappoint you, but the key is to learn how to find within yourself the sense of peace and confidence that keeps you whole during the times when you are let down."
That is in bold because, honestly, this is the definition of my relationship with the world. Even with friendships. Even. With. Friendships.
Even with my relationships with my family. Even. With. Family. 

Too much/not enough.
Too much/not enough.

I'm not entirely sure when this message came into my life. I'm not even sure where it came from--like the original source. I can just remember the most recent moments that reinforced this insidious belief (insidious is my word of the week, by the way. Not really). I thought to heal that I needed to throw myself out into the world. To open myself up to friendships. Open myself up to my family...to an extent. Not all the way. That's going to take a minute still. I was going to open myself up to dating and hopefully start a relationship with someone. This all has been my mission over the last couple of years. I stepped into this slowly and tentatively, while I was working on myself. On my confidence. On my self worth. Of knowing that I am not too much and that I am truly enough. All on my own. That I was the one who decided I was enough, not others. The tendency to look outside of myself for that validation made its way back in this year though.

See, to some extent, bouncing yourself off others isn't necessarily a bad thing. But it also shouldn't be your main source of validation. It comes from you. Yourself. Well, and some hardcore counseling. I thought I had learned this lesson, and in less than a year, I seem to have forgotten it again. But have I really if I'm working all this out? I didn't forget, but I did lose sight of it for a while. I lost sight of me being enough. Not the too much/not enough. Enough. As I am. I'm okay. As I am. (I don't mean "just" okay. I mean I am okay).

Here's where the shame comes in though. Let's talk about the shame: I'm disappointed in myself. I am really disappointed in myself. Admitting that is hard, but I know it's in there and needs to be named in order to be worked out. I worked SO FUCKING HARD on myself, only to get back to this too much/not enough bullshit? I spent all of that time and money (therapy, medicine, and books). I spent all of that time sifting through shit only to come back to this? However, when I think about it, I have only been working on this for a couple of years. I have only just now recognized this whole too much/not enough deepest insecurity thing. Or named it not that long ago. So I suppose over 25 years of that bullshit belief isn't going to completely go away in a couple of years. It's probably going to be something I am going to have to confront over and over again for quite some time. I don't want to say my whole life because I can't right now, but I do know I will have to keep working to fight against this thinking when it comes up.

Hope.

Here's where the hope and optimism comes in: I don't think I have ever been more resilient and willing to work so hard on the relationship I have with myself. On my relationships with others, and how I approach those relationships. Despite what I'm feeling, I have to take a step back and look at my history vs now; how I would have dealt with myself then, and how I am dealing with myself now. How am I examining and processing all of these feels and the too/much not enough thing? I'm fighting it with all that I have right now, and it IS working. It's actually working. I wrote this on my white board that's hanging on my refrigerator: Fight, Deandra. FIGHT. You will do this. You are a badass bitch. Honey, you better work. Werk.
I intended this for the next year. Because this is going to be a year of fighting and working towards my goals.
But I also need those words in this moment right now.
Because I am fighting. I am challenging my thinking. I am opening up to a few people, and they are challenging my thinking. They are showing me what full acceptance looks like. I have revealed some of my deepest things to these people. Specifically, to two people (ladies, you know who you are), and they aren't judging me. Even the things I thought might be judgement worthy, and too much, were not at all. I honestly have never let myself feel and be accepted on that level. I don't think that I've ever just let people see me like that. As I'm typing this I realize that I really am not alone here. There are people who love me, and I love them dearly.

Here's where my anxiety brain tries to take over, and prepare for the worst. Or, the too much/not enough message gets going.
What if they see too much and leave? You're too fucked up. What if they finally stop putting up with your bullshit and just bounce? Are you going to test those relationships and try to sabotage them to try to get people to prove that they are present? Because I think that's what we need to do. Let's test them.
What about not being enough? Why don't you retreat because you think you're too much and then let them see that you are actually not enough? That you aren't on their level; you aren't enough so you might as well not try. Let's just step back, and leave them alone. Let them live their lives. You're not smart enough. You haven't lived enough. You haven't been out in the world long enough. You aren't good enough at this whole relationship with people thing. You have fucked up your life, and nothing you do will ever be good enough. So just retreat. Leave people alone, and let them move on. Do not fight for those relationships. You aren't, in so many different ways, enough.

Oof. That's hard to write out. Like, it's one thing to mention the not enough/too much thing, but to actually write out the things that go through my head? The things that influence my behavior? Whole nother thing. To let y'all see this? Black Jesus Christ, it's a lot.

I'm not saying this thinking IS me though because it's not. I'm not my thinking.

But here is what I am: I AM smart. I am beautiful. I am worthy of relationship. I am a badass bitch. I'm a motherfucking dragon. I do have it in me to do that things that I want to do. I am lots of wonderful things. I also struggle. I am made of THOSE things. Yes, I am even made of the struggle. I'm made of the fight. I'm made of courage, resilience, and vulnerability. I'm made of love, kindness, and compassion. I'm made of empathy. I'm made of humor. I'm being forged out of all of these things, and it is beautiful. It's messy sometimes, but it is beautiful. I am a person. I would have previously said fearfully and wonderfully made. It actually seems really appropriate here though, but not in the way that I used to use it. Because this is coming from within. This is coming from my own determination and will. It's not up to a deity.

Maybe there is a Spirit out there guiding me in some ways though. I think I feel her sometimes. I think I have encounters with people that She kind of made happen. I still can't explain how I feel about Her. But I feel Her. I feel a presence sometimes. But She doesn't control me. She doesn't demand that I give up everything to follow Her. She just wants me to love myself and others. Hm. I never in a million years thought I would be at a place where I could believe in something again. It's okay though. Like, I'm okay with it. I feel at peace with that.

This is confidence and security. In myself, and, yes, even in others.
How can I be both confident and insecure though? 

Willowdean Dixon says it so well: "Sometimes figuring out who you are means understanding that we are a mosaic of experiences...I'm fat. I'm happy. I'm insecure. I'm bold."

So. Here I am. I've opened up some more. To the fucking internet.

(This is all going in a book this year anyway)