Growth

This is the story I told at the Truth in Comedy night at the Jayhawk Theatre. BTW, I slayed. I MEAN SLAYED. Killed it. I was so nervous to throw all of this out there, to share more of my struggles and growth with others, but it ended up being one of the coolest things I have ever done. I am a storyteller, I owned the stage, I am a writer, and I am a badass. Ooo, I wore my badass leggings too! Antyway, I hope I get another opportunity to get up on the stage and tell more stories. It's my jam.

Leaving Evangelical Christianity

Back in 2014, I left my last church. My intention, then, was to go back to my childhood church, and I might have spent one Sunday there, but I was progressing in my theology far beyond the acceptable boundaries of both churches. My beliefs about women in ministry, LGBTQ folks, and social issues were all changing. I was becoming a progressive feminist social justice warrior. I was already labeled an unruly, wild, and not submissive enough woman this made me more so. I was too much, but not enough. 

I kept with Progressive Christianity for about a year and a half before I just couldn’t believe anymore. I couldn’t reconcile the theology. 

The leaving and not believing anymore changed me. I had to deconstruct everything I had known up to that point in my life. I lost the very fabric of my being and my identity. I mean, I was a hardcore Evangelical. It. Was. My. Life. Losing that nearly killed me. I contemplated suicide a couple of times because it was so painful and traumatic. However, what saved me? My mom who was surprisingly supporting and trying to understand and this beautiful online community that I had found, The Lasting Supper, where I could process everything I was going through without judgement. 

A New Spiritual Path.

I went through a period of time where I considered myself atheist-ish and then agnostic-ish. Until one night in November 2017 when I attended a Women’s Red Tent gathering in Lawrence where I encountered something Divine. Something I would call goddess energy. The theme was going deep. The stories that were told that night absolutely wrecked my non-belief bus though. I saw going deep morph into Letting Go. Like the trees let go of their leaves, we were being told to let go of some stuff in our lives to make way for growth in the next season. My task was to let go of my anger and pain. See, I hold onto it because it’s my proof that things happened. I’m holding the trauma in my hands, saying “Look, see. It’s real. These things really happened.” If I let go, did they really happen?

I left Red Tent that night somewhat angry because I didn’t want to believe, but I was also a witness to goddess energy. I was angry, but I was also so loved, seen, accepted, and understood. I’m still in awe of the power of women gathering together to tell their stories, share their lives, and celebrate one another. It’s sacred and holy and it’s Divine. WE are Divine. (P.S. my name litcherally translates into Divine...you’re welcome). Unlike my Christian experience, I didn’t feel a need to rush into figuring out exactly who this Divine was. Or even if they were one being. For once, I was okay with the ambiguity of it all. The only thing I knew was that I experienced goddess energy. I also didn’t feel the need to give my life over because I swore to myself that I would never do that again. I’m still resistant to any form of religion that would have me give my life over to their god’s control. I am not about that life! 

The Tarot

Not long after my first Red Tent meeting, and because of it, I started looking into the Tarot. To most people it’s just Tarot. But because I am the way that I am, I call it the Tarot. Just like I call Facebook The Facebook. The internet the interwebs, and twitter The Twitter. I do it because I can--I do what I want. Which scares people sometimes, I’m sure. The Tarot, as I had previously understood it was considered a form of witchcraft and divination. Which was evil. The Tarot as I understand it now is a tool to give insight into current and past life situations which happens through the interpretation of symbols, story, and intuition. I mean, honestly the Tarot was a natural next step for me because of my intuitive and sensitive nature. There is something so comforting about plopping myself down on the floor or my bed, shuffling my cards, drawing my cards, and then going through a reading. I love the Tarot, and I’m good at it when I get out of my own way. I now own several decks, but my favorite is my newest one, the Modern Witch Tarot because I connect so well to the cards. 

Witchiness

Which brings me to Witchiness in general. Am I one… perhaps, but I am completely solo at the moment, and not in a hurry to really put a label on myself (spoken in true Millennial fashion). Additionally, I’m going way, way back to explore this witchery. I’m talking back to my ancestors and West African spirituality. My goal is to reconnect with my roots and heal, and this seems like a good way, along with therapy, self-love and self-care to do that. 

Childhood, teen, and young adult me would be mortified by this development. 

My Love Life

I began seriously trying to date around in late 2017. Sure I had been on dating sites before, but something was different this time around. I was...more confident--a badass bitch. I was throwing myself out there, being vulnerable, and not apologizing for existing. I was somewhat successful. Actually, I was really successful. The first person I met in person was SB, and out of all the relationships I’ve had (including the more casual ones) and the dates I’ve been on (relationships 3-ish; dates, well, I might be a first date pro?) he is still a thing, and I don’t think there will be a time when he is not even if I’m in another relationship. Do I love him? In a way, yes. Platonically. I’m not IN love with him. 

So that’s the beauty of Relationship Anarchy and approaching relationships from a more “open” perspective. 1. I’m capable of loving more than one person. 2. I can enjoy the companionship and different levels of intimacy with more than one person (this does not necessarily mean sex), and 3. I don’t have to choose.  

Before realizing that this was even an option, or making a conscious decision to explore this relationship model, I was preeeetty much already a participant. I was living my best life between talking to and going on dates with about 5 different people. I imagined myself as a real life Bachelorette, and I even created my own hashtag on The Twitter. #AdventuresInDating to tell some of my dating stories. After some eliminations, I thought I had narrowed it down to two people. SB and Mark. But I still didn’t want to choose. How could I? They each played extremely important roles in my life and my growth. Like they weren’t the catalysts for my change, I was, but they helped me understand myself and others in different ways. Hell, Mark was the one who introduced me to the concept of relationship anarchy, and from there I started doing my research and some really deep self-work. But I still tried one more time to have a more traditional relationship. The dude and I saw each other for a few months, and then he broke up with me over the Facebook Messenger because he had found someone else. The way that all played out was really shitty, but it released me to finally start living more authentically. 

Queerness

I have been slowly coming to terms with my Queerness. I mean slowly. Because of Christianity, I truly dissociated from any attraction that I might have had towards other women. It existed, but it did not exist. Being LGBTQ was one of the ultimate sins, and I was not about that life. Periodt. However, when Christianity became a non-issue, I began testing out my Queerness. First, I admitted to myself that, yeah, there were women that I found hella attractive. Second, when discussing life with my online women’s group and two of my super close friend, some of whom are also Queer, at the time, I just threw it out there like I think if I’m anything, I’m probably Bi. They gave me the space to wonder out loud, and encouraged me to accept this part of myself. Then the breakup with the dude allowed me the freedom to be my badass bitch self in all my Queer glory which then gave me the freedom to fully explore relationship anarchy. 

Girlfriend

Not long after, I met my now ex-girlfriend. It was, in the beginning, the healthiest relationship I had ever been in. We had a lot in common, there was so much communication, and we consciously made an effort to spend time together. She invited me into her life. Despite my fear of people knowing me and seeing me (this is also the best thing that could ever happen to me, and oh-my-gosh please see me and know me, but also don't), she did know me really well and she saw me. And because of her I now had this offline community that I really hadn’t had since leaving Christianity. It was glorious, and for the first time in a while, I felt secure in a romantic relationship. 

But things happened on her end that spilled over into our relations. Her security was shaken, my own security was shaken, she disintegrated, communication was strained, and I didn’t know how I fit into her life anymore. Which is really hard for me to recover from once that happens. Which, then, I knew for my health and hers, I needed to take a step back. The end was...it didn’t go well. 

Post breakup

You know, I have yet to have that first post-breakup encounter. Liker where i see her or her family members in public and have to deal with those feels. Like, what if I see her at Barnes and Noble, Ulta, or Walmart? Or the Thai restaurant? Or the covfefe shop? Or Fuzzy’s? Like what do I do? Do I say hi? Ignore her or them? How awkward is it going to be? Will I cry after the fact? What am I going to feel? I still feel a little twinge of anxiety when I get out of the car, wondering if that will be the time that I see her. There’s a chance the I, on occasion, avoid places based on the likelihood of seeing her there. On one hand, I just want to get this shit over with. But on the other, I do not want to deal with it. 

Fear

After we broke up, I did once again feel some sort of freedom, somewhat empowered after navigating my first big relationship 1. With a woman and 2. In a relationship anarchy context. As much as this hurt, I was really proud of myself for choosing my own well being. But I also missed her and her people. I was sad. I was frustrated with how things ended, grieving (because relationship ending grief is real), and so many other things. But instead of compassionately evaluating those feelings, honoring them and then letting them eventually pass, I just got angry. realizing that this was a thing, I did go see my therapist, and I thought I had processed through it. But really, I just sort of intellectually acknowledged that they were there without actually FEELING them. Though, okay, I cried a couple of times. It took FOREVER to get there though because I don’t like to cry. I feel like, especially if it’s in the presence of others, it’s going to draw unwanted attention to me. Really it’s an insecurity because it is a super vulnerable moment, and now that I’ve finally let myself get this vulnerable and show this level of emotion, what is going to happen? How is someone going to abuse that? I’m afraid that someone is going to 1. Invalidate those feelings, or 2. Ask more questions out of concern. Then I’d have to share, and deal with the fear of the potential negative reaction to the information that I’ve shared. It’s so much easier to just blanket things in anger (a nice one size fits all emotion), and walk about the world in an untouchable, unaffected manner. Trying to be a badass bitch who still manages to understand, empathize with, and hold space for others. But I won’t hold that space for myself. However, I still like to claim that I’m self-aware AF, and I am to an extent because I do see these things in myself. At the same time, I’m trying to cover them up to minimize the perceived impact, not really realizing that I’m holding myself captive. I’m my own hostage. This is me disintegrated. 

Self-love

I really thought I had processed *enough* and was ready to throw myself out there into the world again. Um, soooooooo… that didn’t go well. I was that dog sitting down at the table, sipping covfefe, saying This is fine while the room around him was burning. However, not long into being out there, I had pretty much disintegrated into an insecure, low-key self-hating, anxious, angry, disillusioned, and somewhat dissociated mess. Yet I was still refusing to compassionately examine anything that I was thinking or feeling. It was like stuff would come up, and instead of letting it happen, I would reject it, get angry that it even dared, and try to go about my life like I was okay. I was not okay and I knew I was not okay, and I felt shame for even trying to pull that shit off. Because I KNOW that is not healthy. I study things that are all about self-awareness, self-love, growth, vulnerability, courage, and body love. For fun. It’s like I knew what I had to do (and have to do), but I was refusing to do it. I felt like a hypocrite which brought on even more shame. I began withdrawing from my friends because how could I be the friend they needed when I wasn’t willing to share my stormy self with them. Meaning I’d have to actually engage in self-disclosure. Lol, now way in HELL was I about to do that. Again, it felt like it would be too painful. Again, I’m just holding myself hostage. Prolonging my own suffering, and keeping myself from being my most authentic, beautiful, badass, and loving self. 

SO this is where my journey is taking me now: A time of internal work. I could fight it. I could give into the shame and fear and try to hide, but I wouldn’t be loving any part of myself. Not really. I suppose I have a choice to make: live in shame and fear or radical self-love. I choose love. 

I’m Deandra

And this is my truth.