Food: I'm Not Feeling It

I'm at this place with eating where I only want pickles, chocolate and peanut butter things, breakfast burritos with green dragon sauce, tempura sushi (is that really sushi tho?), cheese chips (the actual parm or asiago baked cheese things), iced covfefe, and the occasional bowl of panang curry. Like that is it.

I just tried to eat some peanut butter and honey toast because, for a very brief moment that I tried to capitalize on, it sounded good. A couple of bites into it, and I was done. The Body was like, "Yo, I'm over this! I will not tolerate anymore. Go drink your tea." Last night, I couldn't decide what to eat, but I got all creative and made...an Italian meat and cheese wrap. A wrap. That was it! I'm not saying this in an Ooo, great job, diety type of way. I'm pissed off because I didn't have the body led motivation to want to make anything else. It was like, "Eh, the wrap will do...I GUESS."

I want to eat goddammit!

Like I want to want good food that I've made, but I just don't want the food at the same time which means that I'm not making it. Because I don't want to eat it. It's a weird space, and I don't like it.

Maybe I'll do the meal kit delivery thing for a while again. Because I need to do something. I need to eat things. This being hungry but not wanting to eat anything but pickles or cheese chips or breakfast burritos isn't going to work in the long-run.

The other component in this whole eating shit show is that I'm getting full really quickly. Which is a whole nother thing that contributes to my eating quandary: if I start eating something that fills me up quickly (for example, the peanut butter toast), I feel like my hunger/fullness signal goes off. I kind of think I've messed those up again with the ADHD med that I'm on.

It's incredibly frustrating because I feel like I'm wasting food at home because I don't want to cook it because whatever I was originally going to make isn't what I want.

I love to cook. I'm a bomb-ass cook. I make amazing food.

But the idea of eating it is getting in the way of me making it.

Even The Gynecologist

 A fat woman's adventure at the gyno's office:

Nurse: *reads off a list of my ailments* ...diabetes...

Me: Um, no. Insulin resistance because of PCOS. (It clearly says that in my chart too. Also, my blood sugars, without metformin, are on point. Health at Every mfing Size, bitches)

Nurse: Oh! Okay.

5 minutes later after disrobing and gowning up:

*Doctor enters room*

Doctor: I see your BMI has gone down! I know we talked about you maybe starting to diet and exercise more last time (over a year ago)? It's going well?
(All of this before she looks at my lady bits)

Me: No. I'm eating intuitively. I listen to my body, eat whatever she wants to eat when she's hungry, listen to my internal cues as best as I can, and then stop when the she's comfortable. (This is a very, very basic not all-encompassing blurb)

Doctor: Are you exercising too?

Me: Not deliberately. I'm just more active overall--riding a bike to and from work sometimes, running around my house and the RMHC, and walking places. Just...more active.

Doctor: Well, it's working for you!

Note: I love my gynecologist. I really do. I HATE the fat first approach to healthcare though.
So I set some shit straight in the most on brand, Deandra way possible.

Self-advocacy is really a thing. After being treated like shit because of my size at my last PCP's office, and after I discovered radical body love (s/o to Sonya Renee Taylor) activism (Thank you, Sonya Renee Taylor, Kelsey Miller, and Jes Baker. I know you don't know me, but you were my catalysts for change), I realized just how much I, and my illnesses, had been written off for so long because of my weight. Apparently, according to the everything is wrong with this person because they are fat model of healthcare nowadays, everything wrong with me was, in fact, because my BMI labeled me as morbidly obese. Never-you-mind my blood panels and whatnot mostly coming back normal (again, PCOS)!

However, No more. I was, and am, so tired of my legitimate health issues being dismissed. If I'd just lose the weight, I wouldn't have most of these issues. Lol. That's cute. 

Needless to say, I was pretty disappointed that my BMI was the very first thing my gyno mentioned as soon as she entered the room. 

I stumbled across Intuitive Eating while reading Kelsey Miller's "Big Girl: How I Gave Up Dieting and Got a Life".  Health at Every (motherfucking) Size after hearing about it from Jes. 

I stumbled across Intuitive Eating while reading Kelsey Miller's "Big Girl: How I Gave Up Dieting and Got a Life".  Health at Every (motherfucking) Size after hearing about it from Jes. 

Part of loving me, part of loving my body, is self-advocacy. Especially when it comes to healthcare.