An Update

I stopped going to church almost a year ago. At the end of February slash the beginning of March it was a year. I have gone through quite a bit in the last year since leaving the institutional church because of the church, a bit of God, and mostly its people. I'm not quite sure where I stand when it comes to Christianity and God right now. I'm trying to figure that one out. I am okay with where I am at, and where I am headed though.

Some people may be alarmed that I'm not in church anymore. They may think I am missing out on something vital. But if that which was vital almost killed me is it really vital? I know community is vital, but unhealthy church community is not vital, and I don't want to ever be sucked into a codependent state like that ever again. 

I swore it would never happen again. I swore that I would never get involved like I did at my old church. But I did because I had this obsession to feel like I was important to someone.  I had this obsession to finally feel like I belonged, and was doing something that meant something. I was going to change the world.  I let my identity get wrapped up into everything that I was doing, and the people I was doing it with.
Now that I'm out of the church world, I don't know exactly who I am. Who is Deandra M. Carter now? I'm still finding that out. It is a long and very painful journey. Sometimes I want to go back. That is a real option, you know. I could go back. But back for what? For more of the codependency, spiritual abuse, the Sunday morning show, and the guilt and shame? I can't go back now. I have to keep forging my own path ahead, and I am doing it with a whole new community of people. I have never met a community like them. They are so diverse and wonderful. They give me hope, and they have helped keep me alive.